Sunday, 30 May 2010

What's the agenda?

Not content with wrecking David Laws life (and at who's behest, I wonder?) the Telegraph has turned it's attention on his replacement, Dannyb Alexander and is accusing him of fiddling Capital Gains Tax...except it now transpires that he hasn't and all was above board. Just who is pulling the strings here?

Now personally, if I was Alexander I would be sorely tempted to see the Telegraph get rogered by Carter-Fuck...but that's just me, a vindictive bastard.

Sunday, 23 May 2010

New layout and name change

Experimenting with a new layout for the blog. Things might be a bit screwy until I get it settled.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Cheer up lads...Gordon's gone!

There's just no pleasing some people. Brown has been removed, Cameron's in number 10, the Tories have gained almost 100 seats in the GE, the coalition actually seems to be working well, the libdem chief Treasury secretary isn't so much dipping his hands in the blood of cuts as positively bathing in it, Cameron's told Merkel and Sarkozy we won't bail out the Euro and we won't give them any further powers...and yet still the right isn't happy.

What is their problem? The likes of Fraser Nelson, Tim Montgomerie et al are acting as if Dave has ordered the sacrifice of their first born. You do understand that this coalition being a success makes it more likely that you'll get a majority next time around. So he cut the balls off the 1922 committee? Good, it has caused nothing but trouble for Tory PM's for decades. Did he have to do it? Yes, or face a David Davis inspired coup in about 2 years.

And remember this, for all the mistakes made during the GE campaign, Cameron and Osborne have made you electable again. No longer is the term 'Tory' a dirty word in vast swathes of the country (Scotland excluded). They've even made you a popular second party in Wales (And I expect to see some big gains at the next assembly election).

So, once and for all, grow up and get on with the business of running the country...or join bloody UKIP if you must. Cameron is your biggest political asset. If you want to throw him under the bus be prepared for the consequences.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Labour's Leadership Shenanigans

So the only contenders to stand so far are the Chuckle brothers? Cameron must be pissing himself laughing. Can you see either of them laying so much as a glove on him at the despatch box? Can we start a Balls4Leader campaign. Can all you twatterers do a new hashtag. #Balls4Leader

Not that he would stand a hope in hell of improving Labour's position. It would be like Michael Foot without the principles or humanity, but then again, us rightwingers do love a good bloodsport!

Saturday, 15 May 2010

A quick suggestion... all rightwing MP's, Lords, Journos, etc.

When the BBC come calling asking you to appear on Newsnight, Any Questions, et al to discuss the Con-Lib coalition, pretend that you're against it, that it'll split the party, that it won't stop you eating babies, etc. In short, bluff the arse off them, then when you appear on said program you can happily state that it's not that big of a deal, was the only sensible option for the country and that you had to use the ruse of discontent as the state broadcaster has been deliberately trying to shape this story and rubbish the coalition. Sadly Hannan's let the cat out of the bag so he won't be called but hopefully Redwood, Howard and other prominent figures on the right will do and prevent the auntie's little trots from playing silly buggers with the facts.

Let's not be finks for 'the man' and beat the scumbags at their own game.

Peace and Fucking,
Uncle Bob!

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Question Time

A Panel of nutjobs.

And I'll single out Mehdi Hasan. What a complete cock. Get over it, your lot lost!

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Today's cabinet appointments.

Day 1 of the grand coalition and all is well, poverty and disease have been cured, Dave's been voted TIME man of the millenia and it's Barack's turn to do the rather demeaning sycophantic arse-kissing...

...well maybe not quite, but it has been a good start.

Nick Clegg got DPM. His most important role in the administration will be keeping the coalition running smoothly, making sure Cable and Huhne don't go 'off-piste' and to keep the likes of Simon Hughes, Ming Campbell and David Steele from the vicinity of a television camera for the next four years and 11 months,

William Hague got Foreign Secretary and hoefully should lead the FO into a more robust future. Not only in projecting British geo-political interests but also in the return of the great foreign trade mission. It was something we used to be the best in the world at and something that deserves a comeback. We've been buying from the far east for's time to make them buy british and also start investing here again. His mission is simple yet difficult, make Britain the world's hub again.

The Chancellor's role has fallen on Osborne. It's a pretty thankless task but I'm certain he's up to the job, even if it's the toughest one any British chancellor has ever faced. I'm glad he's adopted the Libdem £10,000 pa tax allowance proposal (Note to our libdem brethren, this wasn't the concession you guys thought. Any Tory worth their salt loved this idea!). The trick is paying for it. George showed early signs of innovation and a radical approach, he'll need to find some great ideas to pay for this and also to deal with the wider deficit. He will be assisted by David Laws as Chief Treasury Secretary, probably one of the libdems idealogically closest to the tories. He also has a background of economics and worked in the city so knows what has to be done and could be useful as a foil for Osborne. He mustn't shy away from being tough on other departments and their budgets.

The Home Office was a surprise. I expected Cameron to throw some redmeat to his right flank and appoint David Davis or even possibly bring back Michael Howard to deal with what has proved to be the graveyard of briefs in recent years. He's instead opted for Theresa May, with not many Women in the cabinet I'm not surprised she's been promoted. She's not spectacular but that's not what the Home Office needs. She doesn't seem to be Gaffe prone (which is what did for Chris Grayling) and is seen as a safe pair of hands. Nevertheless, she will need to get to grips with her brief quickly.

Justice and the Lord Chancellorship has gone to Ken Clarke. The thought of him strolling into the lords in wig and tights is not that pleasant a mental image (and is probably quite a flammable one with Ken's penchant for cigars. As well as prisons, he'll have many constitutional matters to attend to including the big political reforms which will be implemented by this administration so it's probably a good thing to have probably the most experienced government minister about there. And playing Jazz to the lags doing stir might prove to be an effective deterrant!

Business, Banks and Universities has gone to Vince Cable and here I'm a little concerned. Thankfully he's been kept out of the treasury, but his brief will still have an important part to play in our economic recovery. As I said earlier, he shoulp put his head together with Hague and come up with some vital foreign trade missions. Not only securing exports for our businesses but attracting inward investment in GB plc. And as long as he tries not to turn his brief into 'The St. Vince show' everything will be rosy. But the tories don't fully trust him and I suspect neither does Clegg. If he steps out of line expect him to be dropped and flushed away like an errant turd.

Education. Michael Gove. Thank God. His free schools policy was the best thing to come out of the election campaign. Cameron aside, Gove has been the Tories star performer and I expect his star to rise now that he's got a red briefcase to actually implement his life-changing policy. If he wasn't so unfortunately featured he'd be a future PM. Still politics is supposed to rock stardom for ugly people so who knows?

DWP. Iain Duncan Smith. This was the big surprise of the day but certainly from much of the right of centre blogosphere an extremely welcome one. He has worked tirelessly on this field with the Centre for Social Justice since Cameron became leader and have no doubt he'll approach this brief with the same zeal. He does know the department and the reforms needed inside out and I fully expect him to hit the ground running. Alongside Gove's school reforms I expect his work here to be one of the two central pillars on which Cameron's government is defined.

Energy and Environment. Chris Hulne. This post is vital....absolutely crucial to our nation's future. There, hopefully his ego has been sufficiently stoked because if he ballses this one up we'll all be in the shit...and in the dark too. And the energy brief is more important that the environmental brief too. He may need to start ignoring the socks and sandals wing of his party and embracing the harsh realities of energy security. Strangely, he seems to have embraced this coalition in a much easier fashion than I imagined. And if he's fully on board it will make keeping the coalition sailing fowards a bit easier...still a cunt though.

Tory Party Chairman. Sayeeda Warsi. A well deserved reward for the slayer of Griffin. Who'd have thought the party could go from Tebbit to her in 25 years. And for any MP or local conservative association who's thinking of stepping out of very afraid. The woman is Tenacious. She is swapping with Comrade Pickles who now having completed his mission of lovebombing Libdems now will be lovebombing the public at large in communities up and down the country...just remember to stock up on pies.

Liam Fox has defence and will hopefully fight to ensure that no longer will our servicemen have to go into battle under equipped.

And as a sidenote with the events of the last 24 hours have these conspired to make Gordon Brown Labour's equivalent to Ted Heath (with the addition of a beard obviously)?

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Winners and Losers - Election 2010

In all walks of life there has to be winners and losers, this is true also in politics. So who made out like Bandits and who are walking away with the consolation prizes?

Politician of the Campaign
: 2 weeks in it would have gone to Cleggover, but for his consistency and clarity of message and for being one of the calmest heads in the post election maelstrom, step forward...Michael Gove

Moment of the Campaign : It has to be 'Bigotgate'. Has a moment ever summed up the problem with a party and a particular politician such as this? It might not have had much of a polling impact but it will never be forgotten. If Brown had spoken about my Nan like that he'd have needed a few more people on his close protection team. Poor old Mrs Duffy.

Journalist of the Campaign
: Honourable mentions must go to Andrew Neil and Jeff Randall, the two most feared journalists in Broadcasting who always manage to ask the questions the politicians dread. But my award goes to Adam Boulton for finally cutting through New Labours spin, smears and innuendos and exposing people like Bad Al Campbell and Ben Bradshaw for being mendacious bastards.

News Channel of the Campaign : While I enjoyed election night in HD, I'm going to have to plump for GUY NEWS! In what was supposed to be the internet election, this was one of the few net highlights.

Blogger of the Campaign
: I have to give it to Guido. He might be mainstream but he still manages to be the most underground blogger around with impeccable sources throughout the whole political sphere. His comment pages tend to make '2 Girls/1 Cup' seem civilised at times but it's his own posts that make him the first blog to load up when you log on every day.

Top Totty of the Campaign : This one was easy. That wee Scottish pixie, Laura Kuennsberg. A winning combination of an accent that makes Uncle Bob go weak at the knees and a very dirty smile (as well as being one of the best 'on the ground' reporters at the moment) means that there's a space for her on (or over!) my knee.

The Big Winners - Obviously Dave Cameron gets a look in, finally achieving what few of us dared to hope for tonight, but my winner is You...and me, helll, the whole country! The Gorgon's gone...finally!

The Big Loser I could have picked Brown, Labour, Blinky's leadership ambitions but instead I've opted for a man who thought he could control everything but turns out he couldn't spin a top anymore...the Dark Lord himself, Baron Mandleson of Foy and Hartlepool, First secretary of state, Business and University Secretary, Spinner Excselsior. His plans are in tatters and he can bother our country no more. Rejoice!

Any minute now!!!!

It looks like Labour's resolve is crumbling, first Kate Hoey adding to the growing list of labour figures and now John Pienaar claiming No 10 is giving up the ghost. Pop those corks people, it's happening!

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Boris, I've already voted mate.

Nice to see Boris is sending me friendly emails as well as Dave, Eric and George. You can tell he's wrote it himself as well...evoking the memories of Churchill and shoring troop morale ahead of D-Day. But there was really no need, I voted for my local conservative candidate at 10 o'clock this morning. Still, if you're reading this and haven't then bloody well do so.

The only thing I want to see Gordon Brown in charge of tomorrow is farmy farm...and that'll probably end up in an Orwellian coup!

A quick hark back to Labour's halcyon days

This may very well be my favourite piece of journalism in history. The more I read it the better it gets. Ladies and gentlemen...Sion Simon!

Wednesday, 5 May 2010


This is usually the point where most bloggers like me will tell you to go out and vote for whichever party they follow tomorrow. I'm just asking that you place a vote for whoever you want, because if you don't you forfeit the right to piss and moan about the government you end up with...

...though if people are still seriously considering voting Labour I think there are good grounds to have them sectioned! Me, I'm voting Tory. As I live in the Rhondda it won't make a blind bit of difference but I can't bring myself to vote for the trots, their welsh language version or the limp dems. UKIP? While I agree with the out of Europe bit I could never bring myself to vote for someone whose first name is Taffy.

I'm still hoping that alongside the blessed castration of Balls (Ed that is!), he will be joined by Chris Huhne and his perfectly pressed trousers.

In fact I'd like to see total Labour annihilation, save Frank Field. Still when we cut the Unions off from the public teat I'm sure Labour will soon go belly-up.